Friday 6 November 2015

Bookish Spinsters: Sex & Female Sexuality

Bookish Spinsters

Bookish Spinsters is a weekly link-up where we discuss feminism based on a topic/question/prompt, and other feminist book bloggers and book tubers join in with their response. Feel free to join in at any time, I just ask that you link back to Bookish Spinsters. For more info and the list of future Bookish Spinsters topics, go to the Bookish Spinsters page.

This week's topic is Sex & Female Sexuality.

This is a topic that I'm quite passionate about, because women are so badly sex-shamed! I think it's generally more acceptable than it used to be for a woman to have a healthy attitude towards sex, in that that she knows herself and what she wants when it comes to sex, and is quite happy to seek it out. Women having casual sex and one night stands are, as I said, generally more acceptable now, and I think this is great! It's not unheard of, it's quite common, and for the most part, it's ok.

And yet. Women are still shamed for owning their sexuality and enjoying sex, by all genders. There's such a double standard, because guys can go out and have no strings sex and no-one will bat an eyelid, or if anything, they're praised for it, because of the idea that they're a "stud" (does anyone use this word any more? I don't know.), and it's pretty much expected (which is crappy in and of itself, because then young guys will feel they have to have a lot of sex to feel "normal". Conversation for another day.) But when it comes to women, there are people - other women as well as men* - who will call them "sluts" and "whores" for going out and having the sex they want. And it's ridiculous!

There are also some guys - emphasis on some - who will go out on a date with a woman/chat up a woman, and if things are going well, they expect sex at the end of the night. If the woman refuses to have sex with them, she's a "cock tease" and he'll give her grief. If she does, then she's too easy, and will lose respect for her. You can't bloody win!

Although women are sex-shamed for wanting and enjoying casual sex, it's still expected (which makes so much sense). It's become normal. But what if you're someone, like me, who doesn't want casual or no strings sex? Who find the idea of casual or no strings sex a turn off? We're sex shamed too. Women (and I say women simply because that's what I've seen and experienced, I've not heard about the experiences of men who don't want to have sex) who want the sex they have to mean something are scoffed at. We're making sex too much of a big deal, holding it up as something special and important and other words that seem to make others want to be sick when they say them. We're wrong. It's just sex. Get on with it!

I haven't been on a date in a really long time, because all guys who show an interest in me make it pretty clear all they want from me is sex and nothing else. Which sucks. I'm not going to have sex I don't want just because it's what people expect these days. But god knows what it's going to be like when I do go on a date with someone who isn't interested in just sex. How long is a guy prepared to wait? Because deciding when I'm ready to have sex with any particular person is not something I can put a date on. In this day and age, it wouldn't surprise me if a guy got bored waiting and decided to leave. It seems there are downsides for it being more acceptable for women to have no strings sex; more importance is put on a guy getting some than getting to know and care about the woman you want to have sex with.


And there are also asexual people who don't want sex at all**, and both genders are going to affected by the hypersexual world we live in. I'd be interested to hear about how asexual people deal with this pressure to have sex. I also don't know how sex-shaming and the expectation of no strings sex affects queer people either, so I'd love to hear from you on the subject, too, if you feel inclined to share. Please talk to me in the comments!

*I'd just like to point out, I do not mean all women and all men. Surely that should go without saying, but I'd rather make myself clear than get the backlash.

**Or only under certain circumstances, like once an emotional bond has been formed, as for demisexuals. I'm sure there are other asexual identities who this generalisation doesn't fit for so please excuse me. I'm still learning.

And now it's time for you to share your responses to this week's topic! Join the link-up below with the URL to your Bookish Spinsters post/video, along with your name and your email address. Then check out other people's posts and let's get talking!





2 comments:

  1. Such a fabulous topic. I think when and how you have sex, is all up the person. I personally am like you, I am not one for one night stands or casual sex. My personal preference is to wait until I am in a serious relationship. But I don't fault any woman or man who wants to have casual sex, its their body and their choice with what feels right for them right? There is still a stigma against women not having sex and men having it. But the views on this topic are changing and progressing.

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    1. Thank you! Exactly! It's all down to everyone's individual choice, what's right for them! Yet women still get crap for it, whatever they do! I do like that things are changing, they're just not changing fast enough.

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